Matt Mancuso

Everyone enjoys a little private time to unwind. Many can do things that they may not ordinarily dare to do in public due to lack of nerve. The good news is that it is still possible to get away with some of these activities outside of the confines of your own four walls.

Digging For Gold:

Let’s start with an obvious one: picking your nose. Little kids do it unabashedly in the presence of others, so why can’t the rest of us?

There are a couple ways to approach this operation in clear sight of strangers and friends alike. The first would be the “itchy nose technique:” Rub your pointer finger back and forth under your nose, all the while making a pass at that pesky booger with the tip of your finger.

There is also a more advanced technique; you can do the “grab and pull” with your pointer finger and thumb. This particular maneuver can be used on either nostril by alternating the hand of attack. Adding a slight twist of the wrist can also help you curb that drippy nose of yours.

Bend And Snap:

The next most obvious embarrassing encounter is picking wedgies. The male and female population both have this problem and it’s becoming even more taboo now that underwear companies advertise anti-wedgie undergarments.

The easiest solution to this problem is to go and buy the special underwear that doesn’t ride up, but where is the challenge in that? For removing that floss rammed between your cheeks without having to wait until you’re near a restroom, find the nearest wall and stand with you back to it. Then, remove your wedgie while no one is watching.

If no walls are available for use, try maneuvering through your pockets without looking suspicious as a gateway to relief. You should be able to pull at your underwear with your hands well enough using your back pockets for this one.

Fire In The Hole:

After removing your wedgie, you may find your stomach to be a little bloated. While farting is a natural part of life, it is probably best to avoid ripping one around people. But, sometimes, there’s just no way around it.

The absolute best way to shift the blame from you to someone else is the old “fart and run” maneuver. This is exactly what it sounds like: You release your devil and then walk swiftly away from the scene of the crime. It works particularly well when out at large stores or parties.

If you know you tend to have loud noises accompanying your farts, it’s probably best to cough or talk loudly simultaneously with gas release, distracting from your Step Brothers-like fart.

Open Market:

It’s safe to say that, at one time or another, everyone has unknowingly walked around with their fly undone. Inevitably, someone will notice and obnoxiously point it out, making way for the unavoidable embarrassment.

However, if you do get lucky and notice it (or think you do) before anyone else does, the mission is fixing it discreetly. Check to make sure nothing’s in the way, then quickly zip when no one’s looking. If you’ve forgotten how, an open fly is the least of your worries.

Automobile Idol:

You may feel your car is a private place and thus do a range of not-so-discrete activities in it, including those mentioned above. The problem arises, though, when you’re sitting at a stoplight or driving at a slow speed. You can always pretend that you’re wearing your invisibility cloak and carry on with your business, but what do you do when you turn and see a cute guy or girl in the next car over staring at you — or worse, your physics teacher?

If singing wildly is your thing, you can always turn to the back seat and act like you’re yelling at a companion. Keep in mind that this will only work if your back windows are tinted. Another trick: stealthily place your cell phone on your ear, and act as though you were talking on it all along. If you can’t pull either of those off, hit the gas and hope there’s not another red light for a while.

Loud Leslie:

“Hi, yes, I need to make an appointment. No, the Levitra is still good, but I needs to renew my hemorrhoid cream.” If you don’t have the guts to pull this conversation off in public, there are some tricks to work around it.

If you’re on the phone with a doctor’s office, try to state your problem once and then only answer “Yes” or “No” after that. Try wording your sentences to sound more like you’re talking about someone else, unless, of course, you want the world to know the reason for your visit.

If all of this seems like a whole lot of trouble for what it’s worth, and you are a confident enough person to go about your day and activities as if no one was watching, by all means, do. A wise man by the name of Dr. Seuss once said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” If nothing else, you’ll provide the rest of us with something funny to talk about in our next lecture.