Friday, 9:20 p.m.
My roommate and I were sitting here wondering what truly constitutes cheating and we decided that it’s not really cheating if you put peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.

Saturday, 1:36 a.m.
Happy mother [harsh word] birthday, Richard Nixon! Peace.

Saturday, 3:27 a.m.
I can’t believe the girl I liked is now dating a bald [butt wipe].

Saturday, 11:54 a.m.
My friends came to visit me from home and one of them couldn’t find the bathroom so she peed all over my kitchen floor. Well, my roommates are really mad — uptight RIT girls who can’t handle a little drinking, a little wacking out, a little public urination, and a little puking.

Saturday, 10:00 p.m.
Hey Rings, me and my friends ordered a pizza from Commons online for delivery almost two and a half hours ago and it’s still not here. We’ve played an entire game of Cranium and it’s still not here. Where the [fish] is my pizza?

Sunday, 12:29 a.m.
I’m at a party with my arch nemesis and [Tina] and they are [fishin’] crazy. One said she was going to kill me in my sleep with a pillow and a knife. I don’t appreciate that. The other one likes Taco Bell and I do too and we should hook up and be married in a Taco Bell in Vegas.

Sunday, 2:08 a.m.
It’s like 2:00 a.m and I’m at Jays and I just ordered biscuits with gravy, chicken, a salad, a milkshake, and an omelette and I have no cash. What should I do?

Sunday, 2:14 a.m.
I know that this isn’t Kosher, but you can part my red sea anytime.

Tuesday, 2:14 p.m.
So I just wanted to let you know that high heel boots are wonderful unless you have to walk with them through the snow. To finish this message I [love] snow and I’m ready to move. Bye.

Friday, 11:05 p.m.
I was just walking through Riverknoll and somebody wrote “Go Sabres” with their urine and, well, it made me really happy.