starting a cover band
Let’s face facts. Art is hard. Being forced
to constantly bare your soul for someone
else’s entertainment and validation is
exhausting. Then there’s the whole issue
of making enough money to move out
of your mother’s basement. Then there’s
trying to come up with a unique sound.
But originality is overrated. Honestly,
whatever kind of music you try and make
will sound like something that’s already
been done, so why bother?
With ticket prices going through the roof
these days, there’s a real niche out there
for people who are too cheap/poor to pay
$80 to see the Foo Fighters. This is where
you come in. Round up whichever of your
friends made it through marching band
with you, buy some pawned instruments
and Google a few dozen guitar tabs. Start
with weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, then
move on to house parties and strip clubs.
Before you know it, you’ll be swimming
in offers to tour with other pretend bands.
Just fake it ‘til you make it. And then keep
on faking it.
One does not simply
Mistake a black umbrella
For a brown rifle.
OVERSEEN & OVERHEARD
“Listen pal, you’re one
abortion away from not
being here today!”
—Kid outside of Perkins Green
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
My Celtic doom metal jazz trio McMiles
Davis and the Glory of Satan got rejected
from South by Southwest for the fifth year
in a row. What does A$AP Rocky have that
“Do not let a flattering
woman coax and wheedle
you and deceive you; she is
after your barn.”
— Hesiod, Greek poet
STREAM OF FACTS
Saudi Arabian baboons sometimes kidnap
feral puppies and raise them as pets. The
two form a symbiotic relationship, and the
dogs protect the baboons from THREATS.
The THREATS of the harmful gasses coming
off of a comet once seemed so real that
in 1910 some unscrupulous businessmen
sold “anti-comet pills” to ward off the
negative effects of Haley’s Comet. There is,
of course, no health RISK associated with
The RISK of a robot apocalypse has been
around longer than some might expect. In
1981, a factory worker in Japan was killed
by a robot he was building when its arm
malfunctioned and pushed him into a
nearby grinding MACHINE.
The transportation MACHINE most often
overlooked in terms of its pollution output
is the ship. The 15 largest ships on the sea
produce as much sulfur oxide pollution as
all of the cars on Earth combined.
WORD OF THE WEEK
Ultion n. — The act of seeking
vengeance or revenge.
After coming up 0.2 points short of
making the Dean’s List, the outraged
graduate student began planning