Sunday, 2:02 a.m.
Tonight my friend’s favorite game was to leave me all alone at a party and wait for creepers to hit on me so he could come to my rescue. This is not okay!
(from text)

Saturday, 10:51 p.m.
Hey Rings, don’t be touchin’ my mama, and don’t be touchin’ my Doritos… oh yeah and don’t be touchin’ my quarter system either!
(from text)

Friday, 8:14 p.m.
I regularly take [the Browns to the Superbowl] and use my laptop at the same time. Is this socially acceptable? Or should I keep hiding it and using remote stalls?
(from text)

Monday, 9:54 p.m. Just to answer your question… I chose midnight dome and I aced that exam. Boooya!
(from text)

Monday, 5:18 p.m.
The other day I was sleeping face down on a couch in Erdle… and when I opened my eyes from a great nap, I saw a creepy looking red bug crawling right in front of my face. Please tell me crabs aren’t red!
(from text)

Tuesday, 4:49 p.m.
I’m going to use the fact that I want to do nasty things to my physics professor as motivation to study and get good grades in his class.
(from text)

Friday, 3:10 a.m.
I am just a walk-in vagina at this point.
(from text)

Tuesday, 11:57 a.m.
The third floor bathroom in the library isn’t sketchy anymore! Now I can pee without holding my dick in one hand and a knife in the other!
(from text)

Wednesday, 2:22 p.m.
Hi Rings, so I’m sitting in Writing Seminar, and I realized I’d rather masturbate with sandpaper than sit through this class for one more minute.
(from voicemail)

Wednesday, 1:29 p.m.
If your friend is out-manned or too drunk to fight, you must jump in to help. Unless if in the past 48 hours you’ve said to yourself, “What this guy needs is a good ass whooping.”
(from text)