Joanna Eberts

Although the Rochester weather has been rather erratic lately, one thing is clear: It’s getting warmer, and you will be seeing a lot more parties. If you happen to throw one for you and your friends, there are certain people you need to watch out for that could easily ruin it. Here are just a few (from a guy’s point of view, at least).

The Booze Hound

No one knows who the hell this person is, but he or she randomly shows up with a single goal: To get booze and to get it for free. It is as if they sniffed a can of Keystone and followed the scent right to your door. They’ll awkwardly hover around your fridge, hands in pockets, and wait quietly until an invited guest reaches in for a beer. Like a ninja, they’ll sneak in and yoink a Molson as the fridge door slowly closes shut.

After the initial swipe, The Hound will show your fridge no mercy and, soon enough, all your alcohol (a.k.a. the life of the party) is gone. At that point, The Hound sneaks off to the next party so as to avoid blame. The BYOB event is this creature’s worst enemy, since partygoers keep a more watchful eye over their own 12-packs. Be careful as they often roam in groups.

Your Dorky Friend from Class

This kid is a regular genius and has saved you several times when that Physics 3 web assignment was due at midnight. He or she is pretty cool in class, although a bit out there, so you decide to invite him or her to the little shindig you are throwing. Bad idea. First off, your friend shows up an hour early, long before the party picks up, so you are stuck with them before anyone else gets there. This would not be so bad, except your class is the only thing you two have in common. When the party kicks off, your friend will stand in a corner by themselves without saying a word. You will check in on them from time to time and ask if they are having fun. Your friend responds with a forced, “Yeah, of course!” You will end up spending the entire night guilt-tripping yourself about inviting them; consider your mood ruined.

The Mother Goose

As hard as it is to conjure an abundance of women at your party, getting to actually know them on a personal level is another battle when the Goose is loose. You know her, the one that keeps a constant watch over her girlfriends. She assumes that every guy at RIT has a Pez dispenser of roofies with him at all times. The Goose has more career blocks than Dikembe Mutombo and she treats every night out with her girlfriends like the NBA Finals. As soon as you develop a meaningful connection with one of her friends, she barges into the conversation saying, something like “Hey, Katie, wasn’t your boyfriend Nick saying the same thing yesterday?” The Goose also happens to be the most sensitive and self-conscious one of the group, so all the other girls deliberately act on their best behavior so they won’t piss her off. If any little thing goes wrong during the night (or if no one is paying attention to her), she will insist that they all leave the party because she is “having a bad day,” therefore leaving you in with a party full of dudes. Not cool.

Dudes

There are just too many of them. That’s all it takes, really.

That One Hot Chick

If there is one thing that ruins a friendship between men, it’s a beautiful woman. This is especially true in a place like RIT where the gender ratio is quite unbalanced, making women even more desirable. As this girl walks in the door, a flurry of emotions flash across your friends’ faces. Some of your friends thought they had a chance with her and got burned. Other friends still think they have a chance and will do anything to gain her approval. Anything. Sit back, grab some popcorn and watch as your buddies turn into monkeys in a zoo, by resorting to immature behavior to win her attention. At the end of the night everyone looks stupid because she has a boyfriend from out of town that she (somehow) forgot to mention earlier.