Monday 10:29 p.m. (from text)

Just played the word semen in “Words with Friends.” I’M A ROCKSTAR.

Tuesday 1:52 p.m. (from text)

Some guy on the bus is watching Jackie Chan Adventures on his iPad. I need to shake his hand.

Tuesday 6:49 p.m. (from text)

You know it’s Week Ten when you don’t have time for sex.

Friday 7:16 p.m. (from text)

99% of the world’s cookies are eaten by 1% of the monsters! #OccupySesameStreet

Saturday 12:29 a.m. (from text)

I went to midnight breakfast at midnight and it was over! What the [frak], that’s like saying: “Come to our Thanksgiving Dinner, but it’s on Wednesday.”

Thursday 5:44 p.m. (from text)

It’s 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving, we didn’t even eat yet and I’m on my 5th beer and 3 shots; GONNA THROW UP ON THE TURKEY. #CollegeKidProblems

Saturday 4:04 p.m. (from text)

Just saw a student ride his long board down the Global Village Hill on his stomach like Superman. WHAT A CHAMP!