Saturday, 12:34 p.m.
[Kilgore Trout] wants to know why lady gaga has a [disco stick]. Can you help him out?
from text

Monday, 12:47 p.m.
Hey Rings, I just wanted to let you know I carved a pumpkin death star and it’s pointed at you.
from voicemail

Sunday 5:27 p.m.
Dear Art Students, making loud noises and being weird for the sake of being weird does not compensate for not having personalities. Learn math or something useful.
from text

Saturday, 12:42 a.m.
Rings, its two o’clock in the morning and I just invited a boy over. I wasn’t serious. Oh, but he was. Now I have to shave my legs. Awesome.
from text

Thursday, 8:12 p.m.
What crack head says that MacGregor’s wings are second best in Rochester? My friend worked there and trust me... you don’t wanna know how they are made.
from text

Tuesday, 5:26 p.m.
so my friend just asked me to get BWW with him. since when does that stand for Buffalo Wild Wings and not big white women?
from text

Sunday, 10:45 p.m.
Hey Rings! I just saw a random person in a sleeping bag passed out in Perkins. He was probably a caterpillar or something sleeping-bag-related for Halloween.
from text

Monday, 6:09 p.m.
Hey Rings, I just saw a girl eating berries off a tree in November, and then she frolicked away with her arms spinning like a windmill. It was not okay. Those berries can’t have been berries.
from voicemail

Thursday, 9:57 a.m.
Yup, it’s that time of the term again... The time each term when I weigh the pros and cons of dropping out of school and joining the adult film industry.
from text

Thursday 9:42 p.m.
Ring ring. Who’s there? I don’t know, this is a text message. I’M TEXTING YOU WITH LOVE IN MY HEART AND BOOZE IN MY SYSTEM!! Uhm… I just said the phrase “girl bits” in the last three, well now four, text messages. What the creak, Rings?
from text