Dear e,

What is a polite way to ask a girl you are interested in if she's a lesbian? There have been a few unintentional hints, but I really can't tell.

Unsure

Hi Unsure,

To tell you the truth, I don’t think there is a universally-accepted approach to this. Assuming that flirting was what you took as “unintentional hints,” I want you to ask yourself something: Is she an omniflirt? As in, does she flirt with boys and girls? This isn’t to determine if she is bisexual, but rather to caution you from moving forward. I say caution only because omniflirts can be heterosexual. But don’t fret; there are ways to approach this that you need not heed that warning.

You can be subtle and ask something along the lines if she is a member of the rainbow community, or her stance on GBLT rights. This will open way for a conversation on the topic and allow you to get a better feeling on where she stands.

If some type of flirting wasn’t the “unintentional hint” and it was more something she said to make you believe her to be a lesbian, then I think you can be fairly direct with her and ask outright if she is a lesbian. If it makes you more comfortable, approach it in a way that you’re asking for clarification on what she said.

And lastly, does she know your sexual preference? For all you know, she could be turning the same question in her head as well.

-e.

Dear e,

I know this girl who is a pathological liar. She lies about everything to everyone and assumes no one is the wiser. How do I make her stop? Another friend confronted her about the lying and she just told another lie to cover it up. She even lies to the guy she is seeing and he doesn't have any clue that she is playing him.

We all know she is lying and want to help. Every time I bring it up with her, she just tries to play the innocent card and says that I make assumptions or I do not know what I am talking about. I am about to walk away from her if she doesn't change but feel that I should at least try to help her. Should I just associate myself with better people? I always am a firm believer that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but this has gotten to a point where she is lying about personal matters that are too serious to lie about.

Bad Slut Revolting

Dear Bad Slut,

People who constantly lie often have an underlying reason for it. It could be something that happened in childhood, low self-esteem, or a cry for help. As you have already seen with efforts from you and her other friends, it’s not as simple as telling her you know she is lying. Confrontation won’t make her stop. With her level of lying she needs professional help. At this point you can encourage her to get that help, but, being an adult, she’s the only one who can make the definite call.

This is a delicate matter, though, and you can’t just tell her she needs to seek help. You don’t want to make her defensive, as she’ll only close up and probably lie even more. It would be best to try to approach it one more time, in a quiet private setting either alone with her, or bring along another of her close friends. Let her know you care about her and you’re concerned about her behavior. Tell her you want to help and ask if there is anything you can do for her. Listen to what she has to say. She’ll probably say no, so don’t fight it too much.

The boyfriend issue can’t be taken lightly either. If you know him well enough to speak with him, voice your concerns. He can take that information and do what he pleases with it. Send him an anonymous letter if that’s more comfortable for you. Also encourage her to do something about it, once again by voicing concern. Make sure you know all the facts on their relationship, though; you don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors. They might both agree to this behavior. Tell her you want to make sure she is safe and healthy. If she is with multiple partners at once she really needs to protect herself from sexually transmitted diseases by using protection and regularly getting tested.

I commend you for wanting to help. It’s easy to walk away from problems, but a lot harder to stay and make an effort. I don’t think you need to associate yourself with better people. She needs some help and you can be the better person by being there for her.

-e.

Got problems? Put your issues in ours! Send questions about anything you want answers here to get your question to e. e will answer your questions on relationships, good eateries, and even bizarre facts. If you wonder about it, e can answer it.