Georgi Unkovski

A rise in unemployment, a dependency on foreign wares, and a nation of weary wallets — these are some of the shrewdest predictions made around the globe as to the future of a worsening financial crisis.

One man, Russian political scientist Igor Panarin, who serves on the diplomatic academy for Russia’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs, has predicted something rather different: The breakup of the U.S. into six different nations. According to Panerin, Texas will be a sovereign nation, as will the states along the Pacific coast, the central states, the northern states, the southern states, and those along the Atlantic coast. With this in mind, Reporter presents an adapted guide of Panerin’s theory to the future Disunited States of America.

1. Confederated American States Form of government: Confederacy Reason for secession: They’ve had those flags on their pickup trucks for 150 years now.

2. Palinstan Form of government: Beautiocracy Reason for secession: Vladimir Putin reared his ugly head.

3. The Flyover Form of government: Free-market Capitalism Reason for secession: Leather-clad post-apocalyptic motorcycle-riding nomads.

4. Southern Canada Form of government: Google Reason for secession: The people of the pacific states finally grew to embrace the natural way of the earth and let the San Andreas Fault win.

5. La Nouvelle France Form of government: Socialism Reason for secession: Their constitution guarantees the right to sip absinthe while smoking a joint with your gay spouse in church.

6. The United State of Texas Form of government: Theocracy Reason for secession: Evangelical churches began to implement the use of mind-controlling cowboy hats. The idea of independence spawned and the United State of Texas seceded.