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RIT Rings

by Karl Voelker
  
7
 
7
Thursday, 9:38 p.m.
Yeah, Rings? I’m on co-op, and tonight while I was making dinner (a can of soup), I didn’t have a can opener. So, I used something else. Well, needless to say, I found the can opener after I found the first aid kit.

Friday, 1:15 a.m.
Hi Rings. You know whenever you’re passing a Campey Safus, [fudge], Campus Safety officer, or officella, like, female officer, you know, you feel paranoia no matter what, even if you haven’t done anything wrong. I wonder why? You’re tweaked out. What are they going to do, get out and throw doughnuts at you?

Saturday, 10:53 p.m.
Rings, I am so close to committing public urination, and I feel just awful for all watchers who are affected.

Sunday, 10:59 a.m.
Hey, RIT , could you please fix all of these [lovely] potholes by Riverknoll before my car gets completely raped by them?

Sunday, 6:50 p.m.
Okay Rings, what the [omitted] is up? It’s Sunday. I thought St. Patrick’s Day was tomorrow, which is Monday, when it normally is. Apparently, the [holy] Pope thinks that he can do whatever he wants and declared St. Patrick’s Day to be yesterday, [altering] it all up and letting us not drink the way we were supposed to. I was very unprepared and very unhappy.

Sunday, 11:10 p.m.
RIT, I want to let you know that I have invented the greatest drink in the history of mankind. Two shots of Jäger in a pint glass; fill it up with a Cranberry-Raspberry from Sam’s Club. I call it “the Destler.” It’s Sunday night. It’s Destler night.

Friday, 4:46 p.m.
So yeah, I’m just chilling, hanging out in my apartment, when our doorbell starts ringing. I get up to answer it, and it’s two maintenance guys asking about our heater. You know, our heaters are all fine, so they gave me the maintenance request and said, “Look.” I look at the name on the paper and say “There’s nobody by the name of Edward Wolf here.” So, apparently our Student Government President doesn’t know what apartment he lives in, which is totally cool.

Friday, 9:21 p.m.
Hey, I just got done reading that special insert about recycling, and then one of my friends took it, ripped it up, and put it in the trash. I can’t wait to go back to Portland, Oregon.

Sunday, 3:54 a.m.
Yo, RIT! Why do we have fake rocks? Tuition’s like 30,000 a year and we have fake rocks outside our buildings. We can’t afford [cursed] real rocks? What [in Satan’s fiery doom] is that?

Sunday, 4:41 p.m.
Hey Rings, didn’t we used to be the Techmen instead of the Tigers? So think about that for a second. Only a thousand other colleges and high schools are Tigers, so why couldn’t we just be the Techmen? But then I guess you’ve got to ask yourself, “What is a techman?” I’m thinking it’s a cyborg, so think about that: our mascot could be Terminator. That’s [awesome]! We could blow [stuff] up on a daily basis! Who wouldn’t want to be that?


In This Issue
News
GCCIS to Require Ph.D. for Full Professorship
RIT to Hold Relay for Life
Humans vs. Zombies Cleared to Re-launch
RIT Grads Launch Company, New Product
SG Weekly Update
RIT Forecast
Leisure
Girls Gone Wild
One Night with Zox
Review: Lite-A-Switch
Review: Sparta
At Your Leisure
Features
All In This Together
Broadway Reaching Out To Younger Audiences
That Girl: Emily Hughes
Sports
Getting Some Experience
Sports Desk: Equestrian Team
Views
What Will We Become?
RIT Rings
Editorial
Editor's Note: Reporter Evolution
Letters to the Editor
Puzzler Winners

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