Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

Greg Caggiano

RIT benefactor Tom Golisano has donated five million iBricks to the RIT campus. President Dr. Destler stated, “We are a campus of innovation, and we are very pleased to remain on the forefront of innovation, being the first campus to use this latest Apple technology.” After signing an agreement with Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, Dr. Destler is able to purchase the iBricks at a heavily discounted price, a mere $20 per brick as opposed to the $80 retail price. Golisano was first in line to subsidize the renovation, offering $100 million.

However, Golisano’s donation falls short of the roughly 20 million iBricks needed to complete the project, or the costs associated with construction and shutting down facilities in order to upgrade to the iBricks. “We are currently looking for other donors to help us reach our goal of $3.2 billion,” disclosed Destler at a press conference.

Meanwhile, an undisclosed member of Student Affairs stated that since entering a building is technically an activity, the administration is considering tapping into student activity fees. “At least it’s an activity that we know students will show up to,” said the source. According to this member of Student Affairs, “In other situations, we would just wait for donations to accumulate, but because we anticipate that Apple will release the second generation of iBricks in time for the holiday season, the administration needs to get these buildings up before the technology is obsolete.”

Another reason for the escalating cost of the project is that iBrick construction requires qualified Apple technicians who demand higher salaries, hard hats with remote headsets, and a stipend for getting emo, douche-bag haircuts.

Included in the iBrick remodeling project is the Gordon Field House, a potential snag which has raised concerns from Athletic Director Lou Spiotti:, “I’m afraid that these new, thinner iBricks may not support the stress endured by athletic facility walls. We will need to take precautions.” The Student Life Center will limit the use of the facilities, banning certain sports indefinitely and postponing the start dates of other sports by several months.

A disgruntled member of an intramural dodge ball team angrily exclaimed: “I’m sick of this! You can play more games with regular bricks. In these new Mac buildings, there are barely any gaming options available.”

More numbers of iBricks will be needed on account of their inability to support windows. Second year IT student Jeremy Yu disagrees with the decision to renovate, and has started to pursue Student Government recognition of his recently formed club, the Windows Support Group (WSG).

Yu contends, “There is no need for this so-called upgrade. No one has been able to explain to me exactly what we stand to gain by installing these new iBricks. Plus, we want windows on this campus.”

Not everyone is so skeptical. Third year Illustration student Kayla Johnson gushed, “It’s so cool that RIT will be the first iBrick campus! Macs are so great! And they look really nice, so it should really brighten up the campus! Hooray!” Johnson is selling coffee, donuts, and brownies in the lobby of Building 7 to raise money for additional iBricks.

Fourth year Graphic Design student Dave Barton added, “I’m really excited. iBricks are so much more powerful than regular bricks out there, so it will be interesting to see how much better the campus functions.” When asked in what ways iBricks were more powerful, he responded, “Dude, they’re Mac.”

Despite the formation of no less than five RIT Facebook groups protesting the iBrick renovation and at least six in support of it, no formal complaints have been lodged. Destler commented, “I understand that there are a few opponents to the renovation, but until someone presents a complaint that is not in the form of a Facebook group, there is little that can be done.”