Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
March 21
Segway Theft — Quarter Mile
An unidentified male student stole a Segway from an unsuspecting Public Safety officer
on the Quarter Mile. Being so heavily reliant on the aforementioned vehicle, the officer
was unable to give chase. The student is still at large. The investigation continues.
Grand Larceny — Wallace Memorial Library
A student reported leaving a bag of Reese’s Pieces unattended for a period of two days.
Later, when returning to collect her delicious peanut butter candy, she noticed that it
had been stolen. The case is closed pending new information.
March 23
Arson — NRH Quad
A student reported that sometime during the middle of the night, he witnessed another
student lighting a cigarette on fire in the NRH quad. Three officers and a fire truck
were immediately dispatched to the scene, but arrived too late. The cigarette butt was
charred and discarded on the ground. The investigation continues.
Buddhist Vandalism — C Lot
Student cars in C Lot were found vandalized with spray painted Swastikas during the
night. Upon investigation, Public Safety determined that these symbols were probably
Buddhist peace swastikas, not the Nazi type that look extremely similar. Nonetheless,
the vandalism is being considered a case of a “bias-related oopsy.” The investigation
continues.
March 26
Murder — Building 6
The entire College of Liberal Arts Creative Writing Department was arrested last week
by the Monroe County Sheriff’s Department for murder. After a student alleged that
the program had indeed “butchered the English language,” Public Safety arrived at
the scene, only to discover that the situation was grave. They burst in on a student
reading a short story about her and her asshole boyfriend aloud to the class. When
Public Safety Officers asked if it was written in the third person, she responded, “No,
there are only two characters,” and was promptly arrested. The investigation is closed
pending a judicial ruling.
Forcible Touching — Quarter Mile
A tiger statue reported that no less than two thousand and twenty one students who
were all passing by on their way to class had fondled him inappropriately. The investigation
continues.
March 27
Cliché — Sentinel
Last night, an RIT student was arrested for attempting to climb the Sentinel. However,
his situation has turned dire, as cliché charges have been brought up against him. A
Public Safety officer said, “I’ve never seen it so bad. The student was running around
campus double-fisting code red Mountain Dew, dressed as a ninja, with a laptop in his
messenger bag consisting mostly of anime pornography and World of Warcraft fan
fiction. With all that, we have no choice but to bring him up on cliché charges.” The
student was reciting “Trogdor the Burninator” at the time of arrest. The investigation
is closed.
