Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

Famed iPhone Hacker and RIT student George Hotz recently announced his latest hack this week, generating much attention and enthusiasm across the Web. Hotz has reportedly “hacked” our solar system’s sun, which he claims can be used to tell time from any location.

Based on documents detailing his procedure on the Internet, Hotz apparently soldered a paperclip at a 90-degree angle onto a steel plate, although copycat hackers are reporting that other metals (and even some types of wood) work equally well. When placed in direct sunlight, this device apparently creates what Hotz describes as a “negative light,” a phenomenon that most laymen and the general public have mistaken for a shadow. Remarkably, the position of this negative light consistently correlates with the time of day. In fact, Reporter has independently confirmed that individuals can estimate the time to a general degree of accuracy, as long as the device is placed in direct sunlight.

Hotz, who lists his religious affiliation as “lifehacker” on Facebook, had this to say: “My hack of the Sun is probably the most significant hack in the past thousand years. It can’t really get bigger than hacking the Sun, you know? But that’s what lifehacking is all about: It’s about taking those things around you and exploiting them, soldering stuff to them, paperclips... stuff like that. People often say Steve Jobs is God. Well, if Steve Jobs is God, and I’ve hacked both the iPhone and the Sun, then by my count, I just out-hacked God twice. Boom.”

Hotz claims that the potential applications for this new “Sun hack” are virtually limitless. Already, Hotz is working on a way to solder a paperclip to the back of the iPhone so iPhone users can tell time from any location. When asked why users would want to use his Sun hack when the iPhone already tells the time digitally, Hotz replied: “You’re talking about the iPhone? Yeah, I hacked that.”

Still, Hotz’s hack is not without critics. One student who was using a version of the hack outside of Sol Heumann hall apparently missed one of his finals and will not be able to graduate this year. “Who knew it wouldn’t work when it was cloudy? It’s always cloudy in Rochester. This hack sucks,” the student complained.