Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
How would you describe yourself?
I’m a toaster.
What brought you to RIT?
Well, I was originally going to be part of an automobile,
but somehow, a misplaced shipment
brought me here. For years now, I’ve been trying
to get my degree in Food Technology and
Processing. I thought, “You know, what the
hell— I’m at a college, I might as well make
something of it.”
How do you like RIT so far?
I like it fine, but most people just seem so dreary
all of the time, especially the morning zombies
who trudge in during the wee hours of the
morning and shove bagels down my throat.
I must say, you have a very unique style. What
What’s been your most difficult
struggle so far?
When people try to toast things that obviously
cannot and really should not be toasted, like
Mamwiches. I spent a long time in hospital
because of that creep. And don’t even get me
started on teacakes.
Are you a daredevil?
Turn the dial up to five and find out!
What’s your greatest weakness?
Cheese gets stuck in my heating coils, and I start
spewing all this awful-smelling smoke. It’s actually
Which websites do you frequent?
None. I’m a toaster, for God’s sake!
Are you perceived wrongly?
Definitely. People call me a toaster oven behind
What traits do you like in a… er… other
Sleek and sometimes a little saucy. And they
don’t have to be smokin’ hot, but they should
have enough power to lightly toast a bagel.
What are your plans for the future?
I hope to burn an image of a holy person into
bread and strike it rich and famous.
Do you live in the moment?