Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

by Dan Ardour

• Sugar Notch
• Meat Pocket
• Sweaty Crease
• The Dark Rift
• Bone Bag
• Vertical Smile
• The Tan Fuzzy Hallway
• Pikachu
• Bubble Gum Taco
• Crusty Crevasse
• Borough of Ashley
• A river runs through it
• The Hurt Locker
• Downtown Letdown
• If it smells like fish, it’s a bacterial infection — get that shit checked out
• Tender Mitten
• Aunt Flo’s Vacation Spot
• The Airport (Substitute: The
• Landing Pad)
• Field of Dreams
• Sticky Leather Wallet
• The Tunnel of Love
• Sal’s Paradise
• The Chalice
• The Wet Socket
• A Chink in Joan of Arc’s Armor
• Cookie*
• Scientologists
• The Yankees
• People from New Jersey
• Venus Fly Trap
• The Sub Pen
• Slizz Whistle
• The Pencil Sharpener
• The She Sheath
• The Spray Nozzle
• Sarlac pit
• Shooting Gallery
• The Incubator

*This term was used in an adult film starring a girl I graduated high school with.