Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Madra Mandicencio
Mark your calendars. On April 29, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions is hosting an all-day feast at Grace Watson Dining Hall in honor of two years of beautiful weather during RIT open house days. You may be wondering: How did we get so lucky? In truth, we didn’t. Those blue skies are no accident. For the past two years, the Admissions Office has been controlling the weather through monthly animal sacrifices.
The original idea came from Nicole Marianetti, a senior associate director of Admissions and director of Transfer Admissions. Said Marianetti, “I was in a meeting to schedule the next year’s open houses, and everyone was complaining about how difficult it was to plan for the weather. Someone made a joke about missing [former President Al] Simone’s weather machine, and suddenly the idea came to me: Why don’t we just try ritual killings?” That very evening, Marianetti drafted her plan and began making phone calls. By the morning, she had a five-member committee banding together. Two days later, their final proposal was sent out.
After reviewing the document, President Wrestler was quick to give his blessing. “We have a very unique and challenging weather situation here in Rochester,” stated Wrestler. “It’s great to see such an innovative solution coming from within our RIT community.” Under his direct orders, the Office of Finance & Administration has set aside guaranteed funding for “sunshine sacrifices” for the next ten years.
As far as scheduling, the actual animal sacrifice ceremony must be performed under the light of a full moon in the two consecutive months before an open house. Because of the way that RIT has traditionally scheduled its open houses, this means that the ceremony is performed 11 out of the 12 months a year.
In the ceremony, two senior members of the Admissions office bring a sacrificial animal out into the field behind Gracie’s. In the past, animals have included rabbits, hamsters and ferrets. “We typically send one of our secretaries on a run to Petco the afternoon before our ceremony,” explained Marianetti. “Any small animal will do, as long as it is able to fit in my cat’s carrying case.” Removing the animal from the cage, one person holds it while the other slits its throat with a hunting knife. Blood is collected in a glass vial and mixed with an assortment of herbs. Drinking the warm liquid, the Admissions Office workers whisper a series of incantations and focus their mental energy on future cloud suppression.
Following the ceremony, the animal’s lifeless body is brought back to the basement of the Bausch and Lomb Building. Depending on the type of animal, the body may either be composted or sent to the head chef at Gracie’s. As a part of RIT’s green initiative, the committee is also working on building an altar of primate skulls, which will eventually go on display in the main foyer.
Given the success they have seen so far, the Admissions Office is now working on plans to expand the practice in upcoming years. “Boosting female enrollment our top priority right now,” said Marianetti. “Pending approval from the Women’s Center, we hope to begin [human] virgin sacrifices in the fall.”
The celebration feast will be held in Grace Watson Hall on Thursday, April 29 from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. For more information, stop by the Admissions Office.