Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Reluctant Cummings | illustration by Shanty Crabs
Provost Gerry Halfner of the newly formed Committee on Internal Insemination announced a program that promises to spread fresh ego on the open-mouthed world of alternative energy. The initiative, entitled “Thrusting RIT into the future: Turning Cum into Cash,” has spearheaded a series of exciting new proposals. “We’re essentially paying students to do what they were already doing, but this time, the final destination will be in our pockets,” explained Halfner.
“I haven’t seen this many people coming in the Center for Student Innovation since it opened!” ejaculated Sandy Nutclutch, research scientist. On March 28, the Center opened its free showers for phase one of the plan, which began to gather seed in unprecedented amounts. Collected from roughly 82 percent of the male student body, the large pool of human spermatozoa has become the basis for unprecedented developments in biofuel research. Plans for harvesting stations around campus are in the works, as administrators plot the best way to take advantage of this ingenious discovery.
“Before it was a matter of finding an energy source that was abundant, efficient, and most importantly, easily accessible,” said Nutclutch, “This new biofuel is a hot load of all these factors.” Attracting the interest of larger energy companies, the process of converting cream into steam has created an investment in the students unseen since the days of collecting their excrement for adobe bricks in the 1850’s.
Changes around the campus have been made to encourage 100 percent participation in fuel gathering. Complete gender reassignments have been carried out in the dorms, minimizing male-female relationships. “We think it will be an uncomfortable transition at first,” elaborated Bill Samsler, RHA representative, “but ultimately, we think RIT students will benefit from the change. Talking to girls was really getting in the way of innovation, and I think that this change is ultimately for the greater good.” The dorms are expected to undergo a radical shift, one that will place a depository on every all male floor, complete with a big screen TV and a high-speed internet connection.
Since the initiative started, Student Health Center visits have dramatically risen. This is mostly due to increasing cases of chaffing and blistering. “You kids have lost yo damn minds!” said Dr. Marta Blackwell, who briefly reveled in her own stereotype.
With the extra energy being produced, RIT has largely shrugged its obligations to Arab Oil sheiks and is set to demolish RIT Dubai within the next fiscal year. Plans for locations in other inhospitable zones: RIT Los Angeles and EuroRIT have been abandoned in favor of large swimming pools, presumably to store large wads of hyper-inflated currency and ejaculate.
