Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

by Fletcher Yates

Colony Manor. 7 a.m. April 1.

Province workers demolish Colony Manor apartments to build more high cost apartments. Colony residents are forced to live in tent towns on the Park Point green. No charges were pressed because Colony residents decided tents were better accommodations. Case is closed.

Computer Science House. 8 p.m.

April 1. A female student is alleged to have been masturbating in the men’s bathroom of Computer Science House. Male student was quoted, “This is the best day of my life.” The female fled the scene immediately after she was followed by entire floor. Case is pending.

Wallace Center. 9 p.m. April 1.

All of the books were stolen between January 1 and April 1. No one noticed until a student went to look at the limited edition comic book collection housed on the fourth floor. Overall, few are upset. Case is pending.

Perkins Green. 11 a.m. April 1.

Students were found in possession over 100 various historical weapons. Ninja stars, samurai swords, maces, shotguns, muskets, bayonets, trebuchets and more. Possession of weapons, even for decoration, is not allowed on campus. Case is closed.

Gracie’s. 12 p.m. April 1.

Students complain of stomachaches shortly before collapsing in the dining hall. A Mongo’s Grill worker is currently being held for questioning in Pubic Safety office on suspicion of poisoning students. Case is pending.

College of Business. 3 p.m.

April 1. A teacher was called into custody for assault when he tossed a dry board eraser at a student’s head while she slept during class. The eraser was thrown with enough force to render the student unconscious and knock her out of her chair. Case is still pending.

Kate Gleason Hall. 11 p.m. April 1.

Students were found rioting when internet access was removed from the residence halls on campus. ITS cited that the amount of pornography found on the RIT network was the largest single source in the world and was maxing out the bandwitdth alotted to the RIT campus. Students threw newly purchased furniture out of lounges windows in protest. Case is closed.

Campus Center. 4 p.m. April 1.

Pubic Safety and Monroe County Sheriff’s deputies responded to a report of ‘office theft.’ Distorter staff members allege that the College Union Board Director Katania Putain absconded with the office intended for Distorter Magazine. According to a Monroe County Sheriff’s report, Putain and “a gaggle of abnormally short girls” were arrested and charged with first degree grand larceny, real estate. SG President Tammy Annid is also being held in connection with the crime.