Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Seamus O’Barnigann | illustration by Pee Fitz-swell
In what local officials are calling a “freak” accident, an RIT Computer Science student was recently blinded when a custodian thoughtlessly turned on the lights.
On the morning of January 13, Darnell Williamson, a six year FMS veteran, noticed “one funky-ass stench” emanating from a third floor GCCIS lab. In an attempt to find the odor’s source, Williamson entered the room and turned on the lights.
Unbeknownst to Williamson, Imad Ork, a third year Computer Science major, was in the lab working on an obscure and probably useless coding assignment. Though usually inactive during daylight hours, Ork had spent all night running a World of Warcraft raid with his clan, Teh Lawl N00bs [sic], and was in the lab to finish a late assignment. The stench was a result of mixing Cheezy Puffs, Atomic Energy drinks and body odor. When interviewed, Ork admitted that he had “gotten around to showering for the past six weeks.”
Due to the lack of exposure to any light source other than the soft glow of his monitor, Ork’s eyes had become extremely sensitive to light ójust like a mole. When Williamson turned on the lights that morning, Ork’s retinas were bombarded with approximately dozens of millions of photons. “Mr. Ork’s corneas couldn’t withstand firepower of that magnitude,” said Dr. Steven Ackbar of Strong Memorial Hospital. “It’s a miracle that they didn’t burst into flames on the spot.”
Ork described the experience akin to “having the Lich King crit you in the face before you even unlocked the Dreadnaught Battlegear.” Rebecca Dursley, a GCCIS-hired WoW-to-English translator assured Distorter that this means, roughly, “It really hurt a lot and I want my mommy.”
Ork, whose vision was utterly destroyed in the incident, has filed a lawsuit against RIT for $700,099.95, the amount of a lifetime subscription to the Goldshire Speak Program, a WoW text-to-speech service. In response, RIT Provost Gerry Halfner said, “This dweeb clearly needs to go out and get himself a fucking life.”
Update: With a vastly reduced ability to be distracted by his computer, Imad Ork has begun to actually DO his work. As a result, his academic probation has been lifted. He has even been reported to be seen walking outside on occasion. Despite this progress, he has not yet begun to shower regularly.