Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Fletcher Yates
The annual Sigma Tau Delta Fraternity Date Auction has always been a large fundraiser for the group, raising thousands of dollars for charity — or so the public thought. The entire Sigma Tau executive board has been arrested for allegedly heading a prostitution ring, pimping out the newest brothers to the highest bidder. They are also suspected of embezzling over 90 percent of the funds raised, donating around five percent to men’s shelters in Rochester.
For the past three years, there have been rumors about a prostitution ring within the Sigma Tau Delta fraternity. Known for being the studliest frat on campus, the Sigma Tau annual auction was a highlight for all of the women on campus. Oddly, the crowd at this year’s event seemed to be outside of the RIT community. Many attendees were scantily clad, middle-aged women who were eager to see the brothers on the auction block. Each Sigma Tau initiated a heated debate, in which the women clawed through their checkbooks to get their prize.
Brent Steele, vice president of Sigma Tau Delta, third year Vanity Studies major and part time model, talked to the press after his lawyer advised him against it. “Five years ago, we were having financial trouble due to a poor investment in beer pong technology. We needed a way to make money, so we did a car wash at a local high school. That’s how we met the cougars. They’ve been paying our way out of debt ever since.” The auction was an opportunity for women to bring friends to see the boys, thus expanding the Sigma Tau’s client base.
Most of the brothers did not seem victimized by the prostitution ring. Cory Champion, second year Athletics student, said that he felt “empowered” when he was whoring himself out to older women. “They give me food and beer money, just so I have sex with them. Hell yeah, that’s an awesome deal!”
There is no telling how long the psychological affects will linger in these young men’s empty heads.