Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Abraham G. String
Last week, it was unofficially reported that there may or may not have been a brothel on the eighth floor Nathaniel Rochester Hall. There is some speculation as to the exact time and source of the report; however, investigation is probably underway.
It all started with an incident and a suspect. The suspect — we’ll call her Madame Bonnet for the purpose of this article being coherent — carried out the incident, in this case, the selling of sexual favors. The details of Madame Bonnet’s favors were not shared in the report, but it is said that, without a shred of doubt, the categories of such favors were both anal and oral (based on this reporter’s preferences and fantasies).
How this task was carried out and who exactly was involved is unclear, but a Google search for the phrase “brothel RIT” turned up a total of 77,100 results, so we can assume the
report is true.
There are no other accurate sources for this article. Please continue reading.
No warning was sent out by the RIT Alert System; therfore, ruling out that someone working on the inside is not beneficial at this point. Public Safety refused to comment on the brothel incident by not picking up their phone after hours of calling.
Human rights groups are currently looking for a scapegoat to pin the causes of the incident on. They have been seen on campus all week, going about their daily business and not mentioning a thing as if it never happened — in a peaceful protest.
Also, Tiger Woods probably had something to do with it.
When asked about his opinion on the matter, President Wrestler commented that it was “an outrage. Some of the most disturbing news I’ve heard in a while.”
It was shortly after when we learned that the guy we talked to was not actually President Wrestler.
Conclusion.
