Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

by Fletcher Yates

3/26

Go outside today
Shower. Deodorant. Clean.
There might be girls there

3/27

Student Deaf Meeting
Slightly pantomime weekend
Tired hands, fingers

3/28

Spring is blossoming
Students basking in the sun
Fish trees ruin walks

3/29

Rush a frat this week
Show off pong or flip cup skills
Keep your cup covered

3/30

Anime screening
Likely orgy afterwards
Steer clear of Ingle

3/31

Midnight hoax honored
No suicide, no gunman
Do not tase me, bro

4/1

Photography show
Moody, naked self portraits
Depressed, penises