Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

by Ray A. Curcub | illustration by Free Tibet

“It started when I was at home in bed with the wife, and we were trying to download that new Lady Gaga video,” said President Wrestler, in his weekly address to Institute Council. “The video was freezing up at that sexy part when Beyoncé was about to tear it up, when I looked down and saw a splinter inside a grotesque, massively swollen finger! Totally ruined my night!”

With that, administrators and school official scrambled to formulate the Emergency Preparation Resolution Measure No. 289. This was followed by the formation of a subcommittee of the department of Bumps and Scrapes. President Sattief Meow, formerly of the subcommittee WHOOPSIE (When Hazards Occur, Often Politics Stamps-out Intellect and Efficiency) was appointed to create an action plan that would properly eliminate all splinters within a ten mile radius of President Wrestler’s home. Paperwork was drafted, collated and systemized. The paperwork would concern the order of three tons of sandpaper from China to distribute among FMS workers, who would now be making regular trips to the Wrestler home.

Another committee was created to oversee proper utilization of wood funds over the next seven and a half years. The “We Insist on Getting Great End Results” team, or WIGGER, is developing a comprehensive study on the materials used in the project. To ensure eco-friendliness, all reports will be printed on recycled toilet paper.

Wrestler has emerged from three weeks of hiding in his room, and his wife is only now letting him surf the net to catch his favorite ABC programming.

“I’m a total sucker for Ugly Betty,” he said. “I can identify with her struggle in life. To be trapped on a mediocre TV show, going nowhere after four years, with little direction, I can see where’s she’s coming from, y’know man?”

Little Known Wood Facts

10. Each ring on the inside of a tree trunk represents an unforgivable sin.

9. He has a secret homosexual crush on Mr. Potato head. (Whoops, this was taken from little known Woody facts)

8. Good wood is not only an underrated perfume and cologne, but it hurts like a mother when vigorously rubbed against your sensitive areas.

7. Wood once ate a whole bowl of tater tots, felt guilty, and decided wood really can’t do that anyways.

6. Wood coined the term “ba-donka-donk.”

5. The world’s shortest tree specie is the Dwarf Willow. It is rare to find one more than 2 1/2 inches tall. They have been found growing on frozen tundra in the Arctic.

4. Wood does not make amazing pie. Decent pie, but nothing to write home about.

3. When provoked, wood will assume a defensive position and will angrily urinate on your shoes.

2. Wood is actually 20 percent metal.

1. Wood is totally an hero.