Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Dan Ardour
Last Monday, as President Wrestler drove into campus on his new bio-fueled motorbike, he was greeted by a strange sight. Above the roundabout, flying where the American Flag should have been, was a Union Jack. Puzzled, Wrestler proceeded to park his bike, where he was greeted by a second strange sight: a horse standing in his parking spot. A note was taped on the horse’s arse which read, “To Bill, with Love, -RIT Monarchist Club.”
The horse belonged to none other than fourth year International Business major and English playboy, Sir Anderson Rhys. Rhys, an international student from the U.K., had staged the prank as a form of protest against the American democratic system.
“What better way to stick it to you Yankee bastards than to park a horse in your president’s car park?” asked Rhys, as he poured himself another cup of Earl Grey.
Rhys founded the club as a freshman after he arrived from across the pond. “I felt there were a large number of students who thought that the colonies should return to British rule,” he said. “We started out with four members and have grown our ranks to three score.”
The flag-switch and horse-in-the-parking-lot pranks weren’t the first political demonstrations executed by Rhys and his Tories. Last month, the Monarchists stood outside the Wallace Palace holding up copies of the London Times, shouting, “Impeach Washington, God Save the Queen!”
“It all makes sense if you parse it out: America before the revolution was a prosperous colony in the glorious British Empire,” explained Rhys. “Now look at you, you’re fat, obnoxious, unemployed homophobes. Your dollar is failing, you have no friends, and your favorite television show is a knock-off of one of ours! Just say you’re sorry for the revolution and that 1812 spat, and come back home.”
In an official response, President Wrestler defended the American system, “Y’all are just jealous of our NASCAR and our women. America is the best country in the world! Bang, bang, yee-haw! Heck, going back to England makes less sense than a pig at a cornfield in January.”
Student outrage over the Monarchist’s position took a cappella form in a response from the Brick City Country Hoe-Down Singers. They debuted their latest single “Do You Ever Love Your Country So Much, You Just Want to Fuck It?” on WITR’s “Lisserlis’ Hair Dye Happy Hour” show.
In the song, the hoe-downers croon, “From Watergate to Old My Lai, our colors ne’er run. / I don’t care what the English say, as long as I’ve got my gun! Doo wap. America.”
According to Rhys, the campus population will eventually come around. “Listen mates, America was a nice experiment; it worked for a little while. Eventually, every little boy who runs away will come crying back to mum when it gets cold out.”
The Monarchist Club meets weekly at The Old Toad on Mondays at 9 p.m. for a “pint of bitter and a fag.” Whatever that means.