Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

He didn’t know how it could happen. He was so careful. Recalling that life-altering night; that digitally intimate night. The sexual fantasies between him and his girlfriend had managed to get a little out of hand and ended in an unwanted thing. An unwanted fetus; if he addressed it as more than that it’d be more of a problem. What would happen when his parents found out? What about hers? He was only a freshman, adjusting from being away from home and finally adapting to being surrounded by nerds in neckbeards. A girl with half the looks of his high school sweetheart could never be seen across the vast, brick-filled campus. It made keeping his relationship a lot easier, even though she was still in high school. Not having the ability to go home had left him with trying to find other ways to please his girlfriend. Talking through the phone was awkward and inconvenient living in a dorm- never any privacy; e-mails were not interactive or quick enough. Unlimited texting allowed them to make a close connection that, with a good imagination felt almost physical.

How could it lead to pregnancy? As tantalizingly explicit as it was, what made it so it could end in contraception? Replaying the events in his head:

It was roughly 1 a.m. when she asked if he was alone, “ ;-) ” included. His roommate was fast asleep and so he figured he wouldn’t get caught. Responding that he was alone, he then switched his EnV 2 from Sound to Vibrate. Anxiety grew as he waited for her to give him a play by play of what she wished was going on. In the slew of acronyms he could feel his heart race, each line of text bringing him closer and closer to his solitary satisfaction. The final moment he felt more dizzy and spine-tingling than ever before. The phone pulsed again, “hun i luv u. ur so amazin” he had succeeded in getting her too. The pixilated words were so generic but were heartfelt.

A few weeks went by and the texts she sent began to feel more distant. The two-hundred mile gap between them felt like an ocean. Her feelings and words drowned out by some depth he didn’t know about or understand. How can a sixteen year old be so deep and secretive? A few more dragged on when finally one day while he was in calculus, he received a text, “I have 2 tell u somthin”

and a minute later “I think im pregnant”.