Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

By Dan Ardour

SG To Buy Dictionary

Following several embarrassing gaffes involving poor word choice and misspellings, Dana Foster, senator for the Colonel Sanders College of Business, made a motion that SG buy a dictionary. “We clearly don’t know what the words ‘censure’ or ‘resolution’ mean, hell we don’t even know how to spell ‘government’” said Foster. “I think it’s about high time we found out.”

After a few minutes of whispering in the senate chamber, opposition leader and Student-Athlete Advisory Committee representative Remy Plotz offered his opinion. “I think we may be overstepping our bounds as Student Representatives in thinking that we can understand what those words mean. Buying a dictionary would negatively impact the relationship we have with those words, and we would be dangerously close to understanding the meaning of several other words.”

The issue was put to a vote after several hours of discussion, which included a passionate plea from Freshman Senator and recent-father Scott Christopher. “Look at this baby, my son, Jesus Shaquanda. Jesus is only six months old. He doesn’t know a single word, but he’s happy, dammit. Vote no on votey-thing number 422.”

SG Learns How To Vote

“Just a reminder: to vote for something, you raise your hand,” said Tammy Annid, president of SG, addressing senators who confusedly stared into space. “Seriously guys, it’s not that hard… Remy, give the baby back to Scott.”

SAAC Rep Cries

In a 12-2ish vote, SG resolved to purchase a dictionary for use during meetings. [Editors note: The official transcript reads “The senate censured to buy…” but we figured they didn’t really mean that.] The decision was met with mixed emotions.

“I don’t understand why this always happens to me, everybody else always gets their way!” sobbed Plotz, who then proceeded to hold his breath before passing out. The College Union Board representative Petite Connasse threatened to do the same, until being promised cookies and a hug from Kate Spruce, director for the Center of Campus Life.

Distorter Rep Has Last Laugh

In the Major Student Organization update, Distorter Representative Dan Ardour revealed that he had secretly hidden the word “penis” in last year’s SG year-end report. “The first letter of every paragraph on our page spells it out. Go look it up if you think I’m lying,” he said while Tweeting.