Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Danny Capicola
When reality TV show “The Jersey Shore” began airing on MTV last December, it became an unexpected hit by drawing in millions of viewers. Said President Wrestler, “It’s like watching a train wreck, the kind where after the train jumps the track, it takes out a preschool before splashing into a pool of chemical waste. As much as you want to look away, the chemical burns have made it so you can’t close your eyes, forcing you to watch.”
In response to the show’s popularity, the Residence Homing Association announced that one floor in Gibson Hall will be converted to a new special interest housing, Guido House. The lounge will be converted to a gym with completely mirrored walls. There will also be a dry cleaners available in the Gibson laundry room for the increase in business. The handicap bathroom will also be turned into a tanning salon, to accommodate the residents’ orangey skin tone needs.
“It’s nice to see that RIT finally gets us, ya know?” says Chrissy Orangina, a sixth year undeclared photography major. “My adviser was hoping that I would finally graduate this year, but the announcement of Guido House has inspired me to fail a couple classes so that I can come back next year,” she said as she adjusted her Bumpit.
Guido House is an ambitious project, to say the least: special lounges with tanning beds, hair gel dispensers in the bathrooms. There will be themed events and workshops such as “Eating Disorders 101: Drinking and Purging” and “So You’re Not Really Italian, So What, You Wanna Fight About It?” The former is designed for girls, and the latter is intended to help interested persons better fit into their chosen stereotype.
But not everything seems to be bread and circuses as Guido House makes the move from concept to fruition. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, Bill Samsler of the RHA showed me some of the RIT’s plans for the new special interest house. “The hope is that, if we put them all in one place, the petty drama will just build until they start killing each other,” he explained. “Should that fail, the tanning beds are all capable of being locked from the outside.”
On a final note, President Wrestler disclosed at the end of our interview, “as entertaining as train wrecks are to watch, we don’t want more of them, and we’re willing to sacrifice a few tuition paying students to do it.”