Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

by Sir Kel Jerkins

illustration by Sandra VeJay

“We’re sick of all of those damn girls ruining shit!” says fourth year Film and Animation major Spencer Zito. “So we got their asses kicked out.” The current head of underground fraternity Delta Iota Kappa (DIK), Zito is responsible for the new ruling. “I called all the guys from the other frats, told them what’s up and it was that easy: a unanimous vote for ‘All Bros, No Hos.’” The rule bans all females from entering fraternity housing, including the Greek mansions. Representative of the Alpha Sigma Sigma sorority and 2009 Quantum Film graduate Anna Rektion supported Greek Council’s passing of the resolution, and is working with Zito to enforce and validate the new housing restrictions.

Zito, the first student to be accepted into the School of Film and Animation (SoFA) as a pilot for Pornographic Video Production track mentioned in the March 26, 2010 issue of DISTORTER, was also responsible for a few other rules put in place. “I was allowed to put up cameras in the facilities like the bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens and even the showers,” says Zito. “If we catch a guy trying to sneak a girl in, we’ll know about it. We also set up a communication system so that the inside can be observed by other frats, too, just to see how everything works out.” Other resolutions passed included “No Pants Wednesday,” “Gummybear Fridays,” “Give That, No Take Backs” and “Whoever Smelt it Gets Punched in the Face.”

So far, the project has garnered a lot of outside attention. DIK brothers received a $100,000 grant from an unknown donor during the first week of the project. “I guess some of the other frats liked the idea that Spencer came up with!” exclaims second year Divination major Scotts B. Owner.

Frats across campus are working to put together an annual, campus-wide fundraiser called “SausageFest” during Testicular Cancer Awareness Week. The frats will go pantsless during the festivities, much like the Santa Cruz Topless for Breast Cancer movement of August 2011. According to Zito, “We’ll be selling sausages and pickles all week.” There will also be booths that show how to check for testicular lumps and how to perform prostate exams.

While girls are also banned from fraternity events, Rektion will coordinate all outside donations provided by the female community. “Us in Alpha Sig Sig and the other sororities don’t have a problem with the new rules set in place,” she says. “The facilities belong to the guys and we understand that. And given past complaints, it was completely warranted. In the future, we will organize more events that are gender-neutral to benefit all of Greek Life.”

Though the rule has received positive reactions from most of the Greek community, a few disgruntled sorority sisters have brought up more than a few complaints. Third year Advertising and Public Relations major and Pi Sigma Delta member, Rea Venji, was one of the few willing to speak about the violation. “It’s not the girls that have the problems: It’s DIKs like Zito that are the problem,” says Venji. “But seeing that we at PiSD prefer to take the low road, I hope the guys make the best out of their closed doors.”