Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
|Illustration by Poea Tateo
by Leftno T. Wright
The crisp Rochester air tore at students’ jackets as they clamored around the responsibility release form table at RIT’s Puppy Fest event. Feeling stressed out with their busy lives, many of these students came for a quick cuddle with the small, innocent puppies on their way to class. But when the puppies soon revealed their true vicious nature, these students would regret leaving their dorms at all.
“It was horrifying,” said Johnathan Stillcreak, a third year Confidence Art major. “There I was, convincing some kid that I needed to check if his credit card was working, when this high-pitched shrieking came from the tent and these red blotches started to appear on the fabric.” The puppies, which had previously been docile, had suddenly risen up into frenzy, lunging at the throats of the students holding them. After successfully killing three students and maiming six others, the puppies threw themselves out of the tent and onto the quarter mile.
“There was just so much blood. Their fur was dark red and matted, and their eyes were going wild,” responded Keith Welsh, a first year Veterinary Medicine major. “The puppies kept growling, and I thought they were zombies. I could have sworn they were zombies.” When pelted with socks from the panicking crowd, the puppies responded with increased bloodlust and ripped the heels off eight more students. About 15 minutes later, they were finally subdued with a combination of nets and blow darts the staff had on hand.
“Well, I can’t believe they let something like this happen at all,” muttered third year Defense Against the Dark Arts major Sara Nevine. “Seriously, they should have had a harp laying about for this exact reason. I mean, that’s first year stuff.”
No one was injured who had not signed the release form.