Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

by Dolores

Photograph by Smalls

Brady Carlton may not seem like much, and he really isn’t. He’s a ninth year Fine Art Photography major who photographed his dick a couple of times and made it big in the art world. We at DISTORTER wish him the best of luck with his wild success, and are not bitter at all.

Upon meeting Brady in person, the first thought that popped into my head was, “What a douche.” After talking to him and getting to know the man behind the tattoos and seemingly self-absorbed photographic subject matter, my initial impression turned out to be an understatement: He is an enormous douche.

Brady is one of the vilest sexists you could ever meet. He doesn’t care where he is; he will whip his junk out and howl obscenities at women. He’ll even do it during interviews at very nice, upscale cafés and spill steaming hot cappuccino all over the interviewer. This dude is the king of douches.

He has faced hardships though. “I thought I’d be banging four or five girls a night. Sometimes I’ll only get two or three. It’s been a little disappointing in that respect.” Besides the lack of action, Brady must also be creative almost every day. “I have so many fans, and they all want to see new photos every day,” he says. “It’s tough. I usually only sleep 10 hours and have to finish partying by five in the morning.” Brady lives a difficult life, but someone has to live it.

Now to dissect Brady’s work: He literally just takes photos of his schlong. He readily admits to having no real concept behind his work. “I hope people realize being pretentious is a huge part of my concept,” explains Brady. “Actually that’s most of it. I just really like photographing my dick.” The dude is a talentless bum; he uses his dad’s fortune to buy every piece of camera gear he can, even though he doesn’t know how to use most of it. Yeah, he shoots film and then doesn’t develop it. Fuckin’ hipster scum.

And he’s got an iPhone! You should see all the photos he takes with it. He uploads his Instagram photos to a Tumblr titled “My Dick on Things” which hosts a collection of around 100 photos, and it’s constantly growing. Humanity has come a long way from the cave paintings of old. Says Brady, “It’s a lot of fun rubbing my woody on things. And I can’t really get into trouble, I just say I’m making art!” Watching him take an hour on just one photograph is something that will cause nightmares for weeks but also give you a newfound respect for the obsession behind Brady and his work.

Trust me, Brady is really obsessed with his chode. If he isn’t photographing it, he’s talking about it. He will talk until blood is dribbling from your ears. By the end of a single conversation, you’ll feel as if Brady has been your best friend since childhood. A best friend that only likes to talk about his willy and doesn’t give a shit about you. And that’s the problem with Brady; he legitimately cares too much about his love shaft and thinks everyone else does too.

So why concern yourself with an eternally horny, egotistical and overly self-important 27-year-old asshole? The dude is the future of art, I guess. He’s been nicknamed “Jesus with a Camera” by various magazines and museums. He’s an enigma because he’s so simple. He’s just trying to spread a message of love (for his dick) to everyone.