Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
by Lilith von Gorefeld
|Photograph by Brutal Dag
It’s a well-documented fact: RIT loves hockey. Because of this, few RIT students are as revered as the players of the Men’s Hockey team. And while the team features many impressive physical specimens of hunky men, they are often considered to be lacking in what some call “wit” and what others call “intelligence.” After several lengthy interviews with the team, however, there was an obvious standout — someone who really doesn’t fit the hockey player stereotype.
Enter McBuff McBuff, the Tigers’ goalie. Hailing from St. Louis du Ha! Ha!, Quebec, Canada, McBuff is a large hulk of a man. He’s the brilliant tactician at the forefront of the Men’s team, and their brightest player. Affectionately dubbed “McBuff McBuff” by his teammates, McBuff is also considered the team’s resident “nerd”.
“He like, totally goes to his classes,” says Austin McBride, third year Liberal Arts major and the team’s center. “We only have one rule in life: If you’re somewhere, and there isn’t a Keystone nearby, you should go somewhere else. And classes don’t have Keystones. Unless you take one with you. But they don’t let you do that. So like, that’s dumb.”
Because of his halfway decent attendance record, McBuff also has the distinction of being the team’s best student. A fourth year reading major, he is known among his professors as a natural student. “He’s very good at, you know, reading,” comments professor Vince Valenti, one of the founders of RIT’s Reading major.
“I just like to try,” says McBuff after a recent hockey game. With most of his equipment on the floor next to him — as well as several empty Rockstar cans — McBuff lays back on a bench and relaxes. This is his traditional post-game tradition: napping. While several questions were asked of him, he drifted away and became progressively more difficult to understand, mumbling about guns, muscles, cars and Skrillex.
It should not surprise anyone that behind any good man is a good woman, and McBuff has that in Missy Bulg, a second year Hotel Management Major. After the game, she stands patiently outside his locker room, waiting for his nap time to end. McBuff and Missy, who have been together for three months, seem to keep things simple: “We don’t talk much,” she grins. After an awkward silence, she points to her crotch and whispers, “We have sex a lot instead.”
McBuff refers to himself as “just a guy like any guy,” who works out, goes to parties and worships the Dave Matthews Band poster hanging above his bed. “Dave’s got the most to say, man,” he says in a follow-up interview a few days after the game. To prove his point, he puts on a CD and plays “Everyday,” their hit 2001 single. After it ends, he smiles: “Think about it.”
McBuff says he’s looking forward to his imminent graduation, which is less than two months away. “I’ve been trying my hardest here for the past like three years [Editor’s Note: four],” he says. “I’m excited to go out into the world and prove to my dad that I’m not a ‘stupid fuck-up.’ I’ll make him proud of me one day, even though he’s dead.”
McBuff currently has no job lined up after graduation. He instead hopes to “keep playing the game” and “meeting girls.” But one thing’s for certain: Nothing’s going to stop McBuff McBuff from grabbing the world by the balls. “But for now,” he says, “I just want some ice cream.”