Thursday, 3:02 p.m.
Question: Do you think that only awkward kids buy jean shorts? Or that kids just look awkward wearing jean shorts?
(from text)

Friday, 6:08 p.m.
Hello? Who is this? My son sent a text to this number. He’s a very naughty boy.
(from text)

Saturday, 4:55 p.m
I just walked by a bunch of frat boys smashing beer cans around with golf clubs. Now I understand why some people hate Greek life.
(from text)

Monday, 10:29 p.m.
I went to hug the free hugs guy. Little did he know that I was in it for the ass grab.
(from text)

Monday, 6:06 p.m.
Dear Toilet Talker, please keep your phone conversations out of the bathroom so I can [make a deposit] without your mother hearing it. Love, Peaceful Pooper.
(from text)

Sunday, 1:22 p.m.
To clarify my Rings in the last edition: a pocket rocket is a small motorcycle. Perverts!
(from text)

Wednesday, 8:54 p.m.
I had a dream last night where I was in a jousting match against RITchie the tiger and I lost. Does that make me RIT’s bitch?
(from text)

Tuesday 12:27 a.m.
Rings, it may be small, but it’s fierce!
(from text)

Wednesday 3:30 p.m.
Dear all girls wearing moccasins: YOU ARE NOT POCAHONTAS! I AM NOT SQUANTO! This is RIT... not the tribe.
(from text)

Wednesday 9:55 a.m.
Hi Rings, I was just calling to see if maybe you wanted to get high. This is Towelyey by the way… T-O-W-E-L-Y-E-Y. Yeah. Don’t forget to bring a towel!
(from voicemail)