Kelvin Patterson

The self-directed future of women and men everywhere is in jeopardy from the ticking time bomb of an arranged marriage. Parental plans, old-fashioned expectations and religion can lead a couple into saying “I do,” when they really don’t. Hopefully, this short guide can help you, dear readers; avoid tying the knot with an undesirable spouse.

Use Protection

In this day and age, premarital sex is not only common but is generally expected. Some religious, personal or family values make abortion out of the question. So, if a woman gets pregnant, not only will she keep it, but a rushed marriage may also ensue to hide the sin of premarital porking. How can this shotgun wedlock be avoided? Only date illiterate orphans. This way, they can’t get bogged down with religion by reading the bible literally, and can’t develop any troublesome family values. Or… you could just use a condom. Remember! Wrap it before you tap it.

Say No to a Sugar Daddy

Not pointing fingers, but sometimes you run into someone and you can’t help but wonder, “What are you going to do after college?” To those of you asking yourself this: maybe you’re realizing it’s time to flash your charm at someone from a notoriously successful major. You can go out and find a nice lawyer, doctor or banker and woo them into a wedding. This may lead to financial security, but may also lead to unhappiness when your personal bank account is empty. To prevtent this scenario, change majors before it’s too late. At the very least, don’t sign the prenuptial.

Make Yourself a Turn Off

Whenever around parents or the planners of the arranged marriage, act rude and uncivilized. Don’t shave and casually mention a list of detestable traits or hobbies you have while you cut your toenails at dinner. If this doesn’t convince the spouse-to-be’s family that you’re not a good match, buy a bunch of cheap porcelain. Then when the families start talking about lots of children in the future, walk by and drop the porcelain and exclaim, “Oops! I’m so clumsy. I drop things all the time… I guess that’s why we can’t have nice things.” Clean and repeat, add in your own sound effects for emphasis. In the end, if you are the only single, non-relative around, try to mention health problems you may or may not have that are inheritable, such as Huntington’s, Cushing’s, and every-kind-of-cancer.

Don’t Get Born in Utah or Missouri

Maybe parts of these states are okay, but avoid the Mormon communities. Granted, only some groups in this population actually promise women to certain men (or take on multiple wives), but why would you risk it?

On the bright side, the divorce rate for arranged couples is relatively low. A marriage can be a beneficial asset to both people in many ways, such as health care benefits, a combined incomes and even a higher life expectancy.

Every romantic preaches, “go find love,” before getting tied into an empty or loveless marriage. If the pressure for an arranged marriage is coming from an obligation to keep your family happy, you might want to consider who the marriage is going to affect primarily: you.